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| My Grandpa |
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| This was the last time I saw him, you can tell I was a wreck. At my grandma's funeral |
The last few months have been rough for my family. My grandpa Haan died. This is 3 grandparent's that I have had to grieve since this last fall. I have no more grandparents. This is a weird phrase for me. I've been reflecting on death and how each loss is so different. My grandpa was a hard one in it's own way. My grandpa and I had a strained relationship. When I was a kid he was the most amazing grandpa. I loved being at his farm and around him. We would name the cows, play in the hay loft, polka dance and he always had a piece of gum in his overalls ready for the grand kids. (he did have over 50 grand kids!) He was the only grandpa I remember as a kid. (my other grandpa died when I was little) The hard part comes to when our relationship became strained. My grandpa was a very old school strict catholic man. Because of his strong beliefs it created separation between us as I became an adult and started to make my own adult choices about my life, like getting married Lutheran. My grandpa was disappointed (would tell me often) and did not come to my wedding. I attempted to have a good conversation, even quoting the bible about being inclusive. He was not open to hearing me or my different views. This changed us forever. When I had kids and baptized them, he again was disappointed. I don't think I've told many people but he actually told me that my babies would go to hell because of the choice I made being a Lutheran. This was the last time I visited him in his home and didn't call him again until only a few months ago. We would see each other at holidays but the fact that he never embraced my family was so hurtful to me. As an adult I have learned about toxic people and the importance of knowing when to build barriers to protect ourselves. My grandpa was one of my toxic people. It's crazy to understand that family can be the toxic people in our lives, even if we love them and always have, barriers need to be established. I have struggled with the emotions of this strained relationship since I was married, 18 years ago. My kids did not know him because I created the wall to keep them and me safe. I know that my grandpa loved me but he was stuck in a paradigm that created so much hate. I try to understand that we all have our own world views but because of something like what religion we are that we wouldn't love and support each other, it totally blows my liberal educated mind. He missed out on so much of my life and my kids life. His loss. What I struggle with now is the pain and grief I feel for a man who was not good to me. I struggle on how much to give him, does he even deserve any of my tears? I hope and pray (to the same God he prayed to) that he was stopped at the gates and shown the light of his way. I hope in his last few days he thought about how much he hurt me. I sure he didn't but I like to think that maybe in the end he was enlightened. Now moving forward I reflect on how I can be a better person and parent. I will continue to let them find their own way, let them have their own beliefs and support them no matter what. All we have is time, effort and the people we give it to. I got a little deep here but I just had to put it in writing. I've had a hard few month learning how to let people go and remember them for the effort they gave me in life. Grandpa, I love you and forgive you for being a total jerk to me the last 18 years. I forgive you for never having a real conversation with my husband. I forgive you for saying hurtful things about my kids. I forgive you for creating a wall between us and never trying to fix. I forgive you for every event and celebration that you didn't come to. I hope you have found a peace, are a nicer person and someday will sit down with me to catch up with all the stuff you missed out on. Until then I'm going to keep creating my story. If you opened your eyes I think you would be really proud. So I say good bye to my last grandparent. Good bye Grandpa.
